| I've started to become more elusive lately...
Usually when I write in this thing, I put down a kind of general phrasing so I don't have to go into specifics. That way, only I can remind myself what was going on when I wrote my entries. I wonder if anybody that knows me could go through and kind of figure out what was going through my head when I typed it down. I used to have a journal when I was a kid... and then one day my brother found it and started reading it out loud, and I got really embarrassed... that's probably why I do that. But, I'm starting to wonder if I have to do that any more cause hardly anybody reads these. I hang on to it, cause every now and then I like to go back over all of them, kind of re-living each little incident. I've never deleted any of them. I'm a sentimental dude.
One of the things I've really come to disdain about life lately is when my friendships fade away. I can feel it when it happens... when somebody's presence fades away and we go our seperate ways... and it kind of hurts. I'm a sentimental dude. When I need to make a change in my life, I lose friends. Not all of them are really gone... even though some are definately gone for good. I used to blame myself for losing touch with them... but when I think about it, if I was still in contact, I might be in worse shape than I am now. Or maybe better.. who knows.
Maybe it all happened for a reason. Maybe there's something I'm building towards... and I'll know it when I reach it. That's the way I like to feel about it.
Maybe not.
But, I have been thinking lately... and I think human beings are supposed to be kind of like flowers... or fireflies. Where ever we go, we're supposed to make our surroundings brighter and prettier. Better than we found it.
There used to be a statue outside of the prayer garden at church... it was Jesus with his arms extended. But the crazy thing about this Jesus was that he didn't have any hands... Maybe he left them nailed to the cross as he ascended in to heaven, I mean, come to think of it, he didn't have any feet either... (ooh man that joke was in bad taste). But, I used to be curious as to why exactly Jesus did not have any hands, and I, being an inquisitive young lad of about 7 or 8, did the completely rational thing for a boy my age to do and I inquired my resident catholic preist with my curiousity (sorry folks, only one joke in bad taste per entry). I was informed that we, as human beings, are the acting hands of the lord ever since he left our earthly realm, and as such, we are to make the world a better place. I've always thought that was good metaphor... statue had good symbolism.
When I think of all my friends, I also think of what I learned from them, and I've learned a damn lot. At the end of the day, I feel good about myself and I feel good about most of the things I've done. All the ones I'm not so proud of, I've learned not to act that way again... and that's really what I'm getting at. I'm the way I am now because of you all. I can only hope that the effect I've had has been as remarkable... and hopefully, on a mostly positive side. I hold you all with very high esteem and I look foward to crossing paths again.
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